On the infinite list of “soft skills” we are told we ought to have to land a job, there are a few that stand out in almost every area of expertise. No matter the place we grew up in, at some point in our lives, we heard someone talk about how necessary emotional intelligence is, how it makes a difference, and how it is even more relevant and important than intellectual intelligence…
At school, some teachers might have pointed out how emotionally intelligent a friend was because he could understand that his ice cream fell on the floor without crying about it. At home, a sibling could have been praised for being empathetic, and so on. Emotional intelligence is also highly valued as a skill in the workplace, but do we have a full understanding of what it means and all that it implies? Let’s break down this complex and necessary skill:
What is emotional intelligence?
It is common to associate the word intelligence with the mind, with cognitive processes, thoughts, and the execution of plans that were designed carefully. We also know that there is a key component of intelligence, which is the ability to adapt. And we tend to think about that adaptation by relating it to things that pass through our minds, things we wrap our heads around and therefore change our behaviors. So, at the end of the day, there is no doubt that intelligence resides in the brain.
But what happens when we hear the word emotional? The first thing that pops into the mind could be heart, impulsive, irrational, or even feeling. We think of emotions as something that is felt, as something that can’t be put into words all the time, and as something that is out of the mental realm.
So, what does this term mean? The encounter of the mind and the heart? Or more like the cognitive processing of emotional data?… Well, this concept was popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, a book that became a New York Times Bestseller in the 90s. He defined Emotional intelligence as ‘the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.” Meaning that there is an interaction between those seemly distant, or even opposite mechanisms, where they not only work together but become interdependent for our personal and general development. They cooperate for our growth almost since we learned to self-soothe.
Another popular version of this concept is the one proposed by Salovey and Mayer, who defined emotional intelligence as “the ability to perceive emotions, integrate emotions to facilitate thought, understand emotions, and regulate emotions to promote personal growth.” Leaves no room for doubt that emotional intelligence requires a strong capacity to perceive one’s self and do something with what is found in the process. Now that we have a fuller understanding of what this concept means, it is time to dig into what it implies and what it is composed of…
EI components
As with every construct, emotional intelligence has many dimensions, some of those could be divided even further, but let’s start with the basics.
1. Self-awareness.
Once upon a time, there was a kid at school recess, we can call him… Michael. Michael was a pretty shy kid who had just gotten braces on and was getting used to all the hygienic processes around them so he wouldn’t get food stuck on them, and he was on his adaptation process to talk properly while having them. He thought he talked funny, and he didn’t want anyone to make fun of him. So he was very careful during recess. He ate his lunch pretty fast and went straight to the restroom afterward so he could brush his teethes. On the way there, a friend said hi to him, and he waved so de didn’t have to open his mouth or say anything. Michael was very, very aware of what was happening in his mouth, suddenly he started to notice the movements that his tong required to do in order to pronounce the r correctly, he also noticed how it felt to have food in-between his braces so he didn’t have to go and look in the mirror to know if he had some or not. Michael was self-aware in that aspect of his life.
A way to define self-awareness in this particular context would be: To be able to identify what you are feeling and have an understanding of it. It could be considered as something obvious or even basic, but let’s be honest, how many times have we genuinely answered “I don’t know” to the caring question of how are you feeling? Emotional awareness might not be as simple as noticing if there is food on your braces or not. It takes identifying the sensations, being able to put a name on them, and understanding where they come from or what they are.
2. Self-regulation.
A couple of months later, a friend of Michael’s, Kevin, was playing in the basketball yard during recess when some other kids came and asked to play with him. He kindly accepted and they started playing altogether. They were having a good time when one of the other kids, trying to score, shoot the ball too hard and it went over the fence to the middle of the street.
We must point out that it was not a regular ball, it was Kevin’s favorite ball, the one he learned to play basketball with and had a lot of meaning to him. He was very upset and quite mad at the kid who shot. He wanted to yell at him and climb the fence to get back his ball immediately. But, instead, he took some deep breaths and went with the other kids to look for the teacher close by to ask him to bring back his ball. After it was returned he talked to the kid who shot and told him how upset he was to lose his ball and asked him to be more careful next time. That day, Kevin self-regulated his emotions. He guided them and avoided that they guided him into a situation he didn’t want, like hurting a friend or getting into trouble for climbing the school fence.
We could say that self-regulation is about developing the ability to regulate and manage your emotions. But self-regulation does not mean to control, nor to repress those emotions. We might feel intensely angry about something, but to regulate is to be able to express those feelings accordingly, without hurting anyone in the process. It is about adapting your response to the situation and honoring your feelings without getting blinded by them.
3. Motivation
When Kevin got home, his older sister, Samantha, congratulated him for his behavior at school that day. She was a senior at the same school and was going to be her class valedictorian. She had the goal to learn everything she could at school so she would get into a good university and become a neuroscientist. That feeling of “I need to be better every day” made her a very achievement-oriented person. She worked hard for her goal, to learn, without ever worrying about her grades or what teachers thought, she focused on fully understanding her classes, and her grades followed through. She did it all to become the person she wants to be. It wasn’t an easy task, some days were harder than others, but she was getting to the finish line with honors. Her parents never asked her to be a good student or to bring home good grades, she just had a clear north and the strong will to get there.
Being motivated, and having that inner drive is an important part of it. People with high emotional intelligence are self-motivated, resilient, and driven by inner ambition. They create their own fuel and work with it, rather than being influenced by external reinforcements, like praises or money. This motivation is a key ingredient in managing ourselves and our emotions. Is about allowing them to move us forward, is about allowing ourselves to have a positive outlook and work to maintain it.
4. Empathy
The first day that Michael went to school with his new braces, Kevin noticed he was acting a little different. At first, he wasn’t very sure what was going on with his friend, but it didn’t take long to realize that Michael was feeling scared that someone would make fun of him. So, he decided to be extra kind to him that day and compliment his new braces, that way, Michael would feel safer and more comfortable having them. Some other day, Kevin was quite sad because his dog was sick, but he didn’t want to talk about it. Michael knew about his dog and asked him how he felt, and Kevin said he was doing okay. Michael perceived his friend was sad but didn’t seem very open to talking. So, he offered him a hug and tried to lift his spirit by inviting him to play some basketball at recess.
There are many definitions of empathy and many more ideas of what being empathetic means. Some people understand it as being able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, some others say that that is nearly impossible since every experience is perceived differently by each person. But to be fair and put it into simple words, we could say that it is to identify and understand the emotions of others, and therefore, act accordingly. We might know that our coworker is having a bad day, or that they might not be feeling well, but it wouldn’t be empathetic if we contribute to that and treat him poorly. Having the knowledge is nothing if it isn’t followed by the action.
5. Social skills
Samantha was elected class president in her junior year. She thought it was an easy job, she just had to talk to people and solve some minor conflicts, how hard could it be? She said… Well, difficult or not, social skills are a complex matter. During that year, she had to learn to interact and communicate effectively with other people. She managed to negotiate the prom details with the committees involved who had very different ideas. She persuaded some of her classmates into agreeing with the theme that the big majority had selected and settled the issue. Some other time she had to give a speech and invite her classmates to start recycling, she was very concerned with writing the speech, so she decided to talk to people in the hallways to know their perspectives on the matter and then said a few honest words that made an impact and showed true leadership since afterward, her whole class started to show interest in environmental issues.
Social skills are a huge part of emotional intelligence, it is about being able to manage relationships, to build trust with other people. Competencies like leadership, conflict management, or teamwork are a sign of a high level of social skills. People who develop this dimension are able to quickly gain respect from the people they meet, inspire others, influence positively and even mentor others if they need it. These social skills go side by side with being empathetic, first, you develop the awareness of others around you, then you learn how to manage those relationships with them.
Is emotional intelligence really important at work?
One might think that it is a bit too much to imply that emotional intelligence is just as important as technical skills for any kind of work. But even people that work alone with little to no contact with other people need some emotional intelligence to be able to tolerate frustrations when something doesn’t go as expected, or to manage their emotions so they won’t come in the way of their performance. And needless to say that it is fundamental when it comes to people who deal with customers or work in teams. Emotions can be messy if they are not managed with intelligence.
In their paper called Special issue on emotional intelligence: An overview, Pablo Fernández-Berrocal, and Natalio Extremera, went through the impact this construct has on multiple areas, one of those was organizations. And they suggested that “these employees should have better relations with workmates and managers, better work performance, and higher satisfaction and compromise with work and the organization, among others.” This means that it is not only important for a good work environment or the relationships with co-workers, but it has a relevant effect on what happens within that one specific worker. Having that feeling of belonging and compromise with the organization makes the employee want to do their best on every task, stay longer with the company and grow, even more, add that with the perception of being satisfied with the job and there is nothing they couldn’t do.
Another important fact they mentioned was that “The study shows that emotionally intelligent individuals receive greater merit increases and hold higher company rank than their counterparts; and they are also considered to show better interpersonal facilitation, stress tolerance, and leadership potential.” It is crystal clear now that having a high level of emotional intelligence helps you out with managing the unavoidable ups and downs of any career and puts you up on the ladder of opportunities because it is not as much about what you get, but what you do with it.
Its role in leadership
If you ever read anything about leadership, you must know how important all the components that were previously described are. There is no leader without social skills, or no one would follow them. A leader needs to be empathetic and connect with their team. They need to be self-aware so their emotions won’t control them and come in the way of the goal, knowing oneself is a crucial part of leadership.
Some leaders have an extrinsic motivation and pursue an outside goal, but good leaders are the ones that drive on a self-refilling kind of gas, they take care of their energy and rest when needed, but keep being driven to the goal all the time. When managing a group, when guiding a team, social awareness and empathy is more than necessary. How can you help a team if you don’t know what they need? Some say that you need to be a people person to be a good leader, but the reality is that you just need to work on your emotional intelligence to excel at it. Charisma is great, but it would get you nowhere without empathy, social skills, and self-regulation.
How can you measure emotional intelligence?
Now that you might have an integral or general idea of emotional intelligence. You might be wondering; how can you know if you or your teammates have enough of it? Or if you need to significantly improve your emotional intelligence in the workplace? First, let me tell you that there are some standardized tests that could be used to measure the EQ, some of those are self-report tests, which are very easy to apply and score and therefore tend to be popular, and others are more specific tests that are recommended to be applied and interpreted by experts on the matter. Some of those are Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT)andEmotional and Social Competency Inventory (ESCI). But you could find some more tests online that might be more informal but quite useful too.
On the other hand, there are some indicators that allow us to observe the presence or the strengths and weaknesses, of one or another dimension of emotional intelligence. To do so, a great way could be to ask for a self-evaluation using practical situations that might have happened, so the person could have a reference to be more precise with their answers and also compare them with what they feel they normally would do. After doing that, you could collect the views of other teammates and co-workers who know them well or have a certain period of time working together. Having external feedback to compare with the self-report is very helpful, you might find strengths where you didn’t expect them, and even a more objective look on areas like self-awareness or management, since others can observe from the outside with fewer obstacles. The more perspectives you get, the clearer the picture.
How can you improve it?
Once you have a trusted evaluation, you could start improving those areas that might need a little more attention. To make it easier, you need to keep it specific on which area and what competencies of that area need attention. Maybe you need to improve your self-awareness, but rather than the part of identifying your feelings, you need help in understanding them… and so on. Being specific can make the work more efficient and help you focus your energy on what it needs to be put on.
No matter the area or the competence you need to work on, some things that will help you improve are: To actively listen; to yourself and your body, we don’t speak only in words and sometimes our bodies and sensations can speak louder than our minds, awareness can be learned by paying detailed attention and listen to others, with the same care you would listen to a child that is trying to explain his favorite TV show to you as if is the most important piece of information you will ever receive, and you will learn to perceive what they need. Be reflexive; remember that reasoning emotional information can be hard sometimes. Thinking about how your emotions influence your behavior and decisions, asking yourself tough questions like Why am I feeling this way? Or how can this feeling be altering my perspective? When treating others, do the same, reflect on how they might be feeling, why they might be feeling that, how your words may have impacted them, and so on.
Emotional intelligence is a complex matter, it is involved in most human actions and interactions. How we respond to others is most of the time conditioned to what we perceive of them, if we feel them aggressive or kind, that might change our attitude without us even knowing. So being able to regulate ourselves to respond according to what we consider right, rather than our perception of the other or our own emotions is not only necessary for life and work but a form of freedom. So, what are you waiting to work for it?
