A chronic complainer, as you can tell by the name, is someone who complains constantly and finds a reason to do it in almost every situation. You know one; you might live with one, work with one, or even be one without knowing.
This is the kind of person you will meet at a party and will start the conversation by saying something like… this party is super lame, don’t you think? or the coworker who is always whining about the amount of work, the manager, the payment, and everything else.
You may have this aunt who cooks pretty delicious but can never accept a compliment to her food without saying that it would have been better if she had added more pepper or something.
This is the friend you love but can’t stand most of the time because they drain you with how unfair life always is to them, disregarding any solution you might suggest to their problems as impossible to do, or unfit for the situation.
As you can tell so far, this is someone you can come across very often, but you may be asking, why do they always complain? So, let’s try to get inside the mind of a chronic complainer for a second…
How Do Chronic Complainers Think
First things first: complaining is a behavior, that is deeply related to a way of thinking and seeing the world. Let’s imagine this scenario for a second: you are a five-year-old kid. You are running with your friends and you fall. You start crying.
What happens then? Most likely, one of your parents will come and ask what happened, they will comfort you, or maybe just tell you not to run; but you will most certainly get their attention. What happens now if two hours later you complain about the bruise on your knee? You guessed right, attention and comfort will be provided again.
Now, you’ve grown up and somehow associated complaining with getting sympathy and attention, with being seen. So, without notice, you always end up finding reasons to complain in almost every situation. Complaining has become part of you; being a victim of an unfortunate is part of your identity.
Chronic complainers do not see themselves as negative people, they are merely pointing out how unfair life is to them; they are convinced that they are just responding accordingly to the awful circumstances they have to face constantly. And, of course, they seek to get validation for how bad the situations are.
What To Do With Chronic Complainers At Work
Let’s summarize: this is someone easy to find and who does not see any problem with their behavior: so, dealing with them could be tricky, but here are some tips to try it without dying in the process:
Validate Their Feelings
It gets very easy to roll your eyes when they are coming, but don’t let your annoyance show. This will only make them feel rejected, and that will damage the work environment, which you surely don’t want. So, what is the fastest way to step out of the way when they come to you and start complaining?
Well… giving them what they want: validation. Since you are probably not their therapist to help them assess the root of the issue and finally get rid of this pattern of behavior, you can offer an empathic response, something like sure, this must be something really hard to deal with, I hope you find a way to solve it soon.
By doing this, you will make them feel heard, validated, and ready to move on to something else. It won’t solve the core of the problem, but you will be able to keep going with your life and your work.
Redirect Them
After validating them, this is the next best thing to do. Redirecting someone’s focus to the task that needs to get done, or reminding them that they are at work and it might not be the best place to express those complaints.
Imagine that your chronic complainer coworker is telling you how he always seems to get the most difficult tasks; try telling them that it sounds very odd for that to happen and it must be very irritating for them, but they should tell the manager or ask what happens.
Another day, they bump into you at the lunchroom, and right when you are about to go back to work they start to tell you about how awful is that their dog tends to bark in the middle of the night, so you should try to say something like surely that must make it hard for your rest, also have you finished the task we need to get done by the end of the day?
Set Boundaries
Since proposing solutions is not a viable option for you to take with this person, being honest in a kind way is very helpful. Set some boundaries, tell them kindly that you have to do your job that you can not engage in repetitive conversation, and that you are more interested in focusing on solutions rather than problems. This may be easier said than done, but it will surely pay off.
As a company, you could prevent these behaviors at the office by building a healthy work environment where employees feel able to communicate their needs and concerns, and also by setting clear expectations for performance. If people know what’s expected of them, and what the company should do, and everything is in order, then complaints should be diminished.
Suggest Counseling
Knowing when to escalate might be complicated, but if behaviors do not change by holding the person accountable for them, by kind suggestions, maybe it is time to take further action and suggest counseling or even psychotherapy if necessary.
Why take this decision as a company? well… since humans have what is called mirror neurons, that allow us to be empathetic, these behaviors could rub off on other people and as people say, a rotten apple can spoil the barrel, and the work environment that your organization has worked very hard to obtain is no longer one that improves productivity and promotes positive thinking, but a very negative one.
It is very easy to fall into this pattern of behavior if positive attitudes like gratitude are not being exercised daily; but even though you may find a chronic complainer in any situation, it is your responsibility not to be that person and deal with them in the best way possible. Be patient, growing is not a linear path… Do you know a chronic complainer? Try the tips above and see what happens.
See more articles by Laura Navarro
