We all compare ourselves to others from time to time, even unintentionally. And if not, someone else may compare us to others. Comparing yourself to others is not exactly a bad thing. We could even say that it is something inevitable. The important thing is to be able to compare yourself without feeling negatively affected. This means not making comparing yourself to others a central aspect of your life. It is important to learn how to handle the tendency to compare yourself. Otherwise, it can become a source of much emotional discomfort.
We live in a society where comparing ourselves is a way of seeing how we are compared to the rest in terms of abilities, skills, and opinions. The Social Comparison theory says that, at each moment, what society considers to be positive is what we are going to focus on. This even influences how we feel, our self-esteem, and how we adjust to what society tells us we have to be.
Self-esteem and positive comparisons
People compare themselves and others, in domains such as beauty, wealth, intelligence, and success. Social comparison theory is the idea that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they compare to others. This theory has shown that people who compare themselves with others can thus find the motivation to improve. But, they can also experience feelings of remorse, and guilt. As well as deep dissatisfaction and engaging in destructive behaviors such as lying or suffering from eating disorders.
It can be beneficial when we compare ourselves to others as a way to measure our personal development or to motivate ourselves to improve. In the process, developing a more positive self-image, and comparisons can be beneficial. However, it takes discipline to avoid the pitfalls of negative comparison. To a large extent, the way we react to comparisons depends on whom we compare ourselves to. When we want to feel better about ourselves, we tend to make comparisons with people who are worse off than us. Yet, when we want to improve, we can compare ourselves with people like us, but more successful in one trait or another.
By nature, we tend to compare ourselves with people we consider better than us. This harms our self-esteem, especially if we have fragile self-esteem. Comparing ourselves with peers that we think are better than us makes us feel more negative concerning our skills, abilities, and qualities.
Disconnect and breathe
Constantly scrolling through social media filled with images of parties, concerts, and other aspirational events can lower self-esteem and contribute to depression. Some studies have found that those risks mostly affect those high in trait neuroticism. Other investigations suggest that social media use can boost self-esteem. For example, when people review their images of good times with friends.
The time in which we live encourages us to compare ourselves socially. New technologies and social networks mean that we are always connected with others (colleagues, companies). Indeed, social networks can lower our self-esteem, because they present a truncated and false image of others. In this type of communication platform, we all project the best of ourselves and even things that are not exactly true.
Why comparisons can make you feel bad?
Comparisons are more likely to make us feel bad when we only compare ourselves to a standard ideal person. Many people can think that they have a less active social life than others around. But when they do make those comparisons, people tend to compare themselves only to the most social people around. Understanding this prejudice can help us make more realistic comparisons.
Stress, Envy, Ego
When we compare ourselves to others a lot, we stop feeling good and feel less powerful. You lose sight of everything you have to offer the world and a unique way only you can do it. By overlooking this, it’s easier for you to find stories where you tell yourself that you’re not up to the task, that you’re not good enough. All this ends up increasing your stress level and preventing you from being able to express yourself creatively. This, in turn, gives you more reason to feel disadvantaged when compared.
Emotions are positive since they inform us of something is happening or not. Envy or stress are generally classified as “negative” emotions because they make us feel bad. But, It is positive from another point of view, since it warns us that something is not working correctly. All emotions have a positive pole and a negative pole. Even those that we consider positive can turn against us.
We all have an ego that loves to tell us many things. That ego is the one that plays the role of envy, comparisons… This can be reversed. It’s not bad to have people around you who have achieved things that you have not. You have to change the focus, instead of seeing it as envy, do it as admiration.
Envy can be a useful feeling that contributes both to personal improvement and to the common good. Can something that causes discomfort and frustration bring about any positive effect? Envy can be a corrosive attitude in the long run if it is not channeled well. However, in its right form and dose, some dare to suggest that it is convenient to feel it.
Specialists detect two great reactions, admiration and envy. The first one is seen as something good and the second as something inherently bad. Not all feelings of envy are created in the same way.
As there is good and bad stress, there are two kinds of envy. Envy itself arises from the combination of two variables. On the one hand, relevance: we envy what means something to us personally. On the other, the similarity, insofar as we envy what we can measure or compare with us or what we have.
Admiration has a constructive meaning
We compare ourselves almost in an automatic way and we do it for different purposes. In our professional lives, we tend to compare ourselves to:
- Feel more confident about our work performance and our abilities.
- Feel more confident about our role within a company or a team.
- Increase our self-esteem.
- Reinforce our professional identity.
What is the difference between good envy and admiration?
Could the phrase “healthy jealousy” come from this differentiation between bad and good? The euphemism “healthy jealousy” is used to express that the admiration or desire one has for a person or situation is positive. In this sense, benign envy is like admiration, although its results are the opposite. That one generates well-being in the person who experiences it. While the other is still a longing that can bring discomfort. The truth is that the closer the foul is, the more motivated we can be to change.
Envy is based on lack. Admiration expresses a longing, while envy focuses on what you do not have.
Admiration and amazement have a lot to do with it. Some studies relate the ability to be amazed at greater generosity and better social behavior.
Dangers of comparison
Social comparison can motivate people to improve. As well as it can also promote judgmental, biased, overly competitive, or superior attitudes. Most people have enough social skills and impulse control to keep social comparison within themselves. Do not act out of envy or resentment caused by making comparisons.
To be aware of how we are doing, taking others as an example to be able to carry things with greater calm. If we are going at the same pace or with tremendous anxiety or if we are carrying it out at a slower pace than the rest of the office. This can arise anxiety or depression, which are caused by low self-esteem based on the performance of tasks.
We live in a society that is very focused on achieving, but there is a difference between achieving and being fulfilled. You also have to think about whether you are in the right position, in the sense of the place that makes you happy. You may be comparing yourself to people who are advancing in their careers. Maybe because they are in their element doing what they enjoy and what they are great at. Feeling self-realized is essential to reaching your full potential.
How to stop comparing yourself to others?
As we have read, comparing yourself to others is a human reflex. We are not going to tell you to stop comparing yourself. But we can give you some advice so that you can compare yourself less. To do it more objectively, without mental bias and so that it does not affect you so much:
1. Identify in which situations you do it.
We often compare ourselves without realizing it and the result is usually negative. (low self-esteem, aggressiveness, anger, envy, even jealousy). The first thing you should do is observe yourself:
- When do I compare myself to others?
- In what context do I do it?
- Why do I do it? For what purpose?
Do a first analysis exercise to get to know yourself better and to try to understand for what purpose you compare yourself.
2. Relativize
Comparing yourself to others is an irrational action. We often compare things that are not even comparable. It makes no sense to compare our performance at work with that of another person because who we are has a great influence. It is important to keep in mind that we are all unique and have our personalities and history.
3. Rate your achievements
Setting the bar too high encourages failure because, if we never reach our goals, we lose motivation. It’s important to set realistic and achievable goals and congratulate ourselves when we achieve them.
Each person has a unique talent
To be less vulnerable to painful comparisons, it’s important to notice people or events that trigger that behavior. Commit to being deeply grateful for what is good in one’s life. And remember that the human propensity to want what others have is a terrible waste of time. Unless what we see and “covet” from another person is something of profound value, such as their generosity or kindness.
The people we come across in our professional and personal lives are the ones who inspire us and make us set goals. Our goal with this article is to help you continue to be inspired by others but without undervaluing yourself or feeling envy.
